I’ll be honest, romance and new parenthood aren’t two things that usually go hand-in-hand. During my first Valentine’s Day as a new mom, my daughter was 14-weeks-old and barely sleeping. My husband and I, both exhausted, did our best to make it through an overpriced, super rushed prix fixe dinner at Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills. When we got home, we relieved my parents, and fell asleep as soon as our heads hit the pillow. All the heart eyes, right?
Before baby, romance was easy: weekend getaways, spontaneous date nights and the clarity of mind to order “just because” flowers now and then. Since settling into motherhood, I now consider brushing my hair to be a real attempt at romance. Like so much having to do with new parenthood, maintaining a connection with your partner is so important during those early days, but is often one of the last things a new mom or dad has time to think about. With that in mind, I wanted to offer some practical tips to keeping the spark alive between you and your partner during this huge transition.
Redefine romance.
The biggest mistake new parents make is hanging on to pre-baby expectations of “romance.” As much as you may want to believe that having a baby won’t change you that much, the sooner you accept the inevitable—that it changes everything—the easier things will be. Prior to having our baby, my idea of romance was a lazy weekend on a beach in Mexico, drinking margaritas and sleeping in ‘til 10. Who wouldn’t love that? That being said, the best date I’ve seriously ever gone on was to the grocery store date with my husband when our daughter was still a newborn. It sounds so silly, but it was on a day when I needed him the most. We leisurely perused the aisles while catching up on each other’s day and may have even opened a bag of chips before we checked out. I realized that real romance isn’t about flowers or margaritas (although I still enjoy both), it was about feeling seen and appreciated. He knew I needed a break and he gave that to me.
Show appreciation.
Oftentimes, the disconnection many new parents feel is due to the fact that baby is serious work. Sure, it’s a rewarding life journey that we’re blessed to go on, but it can be challenging. I, for one, am totally guilty of being overtired, irritable and, at times, a bit irrational (I once got so upset at my husband for getting the flu when our daughter was seven-weeks-old that I threw a shoe at him. Admittedly, it was a real low point.). Then, I decided to shift my focus. Instead of being annoyed at the socks on the floor or the dirty dishes, I tried to focus on the small gestures he made to make our day a bit better and thank him for it. Remember what your mother used to say: you’ll catch more flies with honey. As simple as it sounds, kindness begets kindness, and the more appreciative we were towards one another, the more connected we felt.
Date your partner, not your baby.
Everyone knows that “dating” your partner is important. As soon as you feel comfortable leaving your child for an hour or two with a family member or caregiver, it’s important have those small dates, whether it’s dinner, a movie, or even a trip to Target. However, my husband and I often fall into the trap of going to dinner and then staring at photos of our daughter. It’s so stupid and happens pretty much every time. Even if we put our phones away, we will somehow end up telling funny stories about something she did. We know that the conversation will eventually lead to our little human, so we really try to make an effort at the beginning of dinner to talk to about what’s going on with one another, away from the baby. So much of romance is about feeling that your partner actually sees you, and sometimes reminding each other of the people we are outside of parenthood is a great way to reignite that spark.
Love Joyce xxx
Joyce Koeing 